An Introspection About Being STUCK & My Need to Leave

Yesterday i was writing in my RV journal about what things i would bring if i got a 22 ft C-Class, which would be big enough to have storage (using the upper bunk as my 'attic'), to live in semi-permanently. I found that i would want to bring pretty well everything that i loved to do.. past, present & probable future, and of course a sampling of most of my collections! Most of my art supplies, including encaustics & art books for inspiration & experimentation... travel-size sewing machine to make my dolls (& the occasional repair)... essential oils for medicinal purposes, to study & for concoctions... maybe some of my beading supplies... some felt for penny rugs... runes, tarot, pendulum, an altar &; my meditation pillow or bench... a Kindle (i plan to buy the next incarnation) full of books... and maybe a cappuccino machine so i can be a Barista Babe who barters capps for food & supplies! But mostly it was about the art.

I'd more than likely be alone living in an RV for fairly long periods of time, so i wanted to explore my art. Honestly though, mostly because i need SOME form of income. But that brought me to the question that's been bouncing around in my bean for many years now. I'm alone all the time in this prison cell i'm in now too... so why not just do it here... on Bowen Island... in my beautiful big new house with LOTS of room for every conceivable art form & my entire library of books for inspiration? Why not here??

If i think about art... or focusing on my spirituality (or whatever), i just can't do it. I have the desire.. the really STRONG DESIRE to do it, but.... i feel as if i am trying to trudge through air as thick as molasses. Think about actually sitting down & doing it, and it turns to knee deep muck and i'm utterly mired! There's no way on earth i can pull my feet out, the suction is so strong! Not without leaving my boots behind! And that, i believe, is symbolic of leaving my life behind. The boots are my house & my life HERE. I need to LEAVE them in order to be free to do what i want to do.

That's the FEELING. Now whether or not that's the reality, is another thing! AND the grand experiment, isn't it? Let's just see if i will actually DO all these things that i want to do, if i am free of those 'boots'! If i CAN, then the house definitely has something to do with it. If i still can't, well then... as they say... your problems will follow you no matter WHERE you roam, and that will confirm that!

I can hear people saying (& have actually been told by some)... "Just suck it up and DO it!"... "Put on your Big Girl Panties and DEAL with it!".... *sigh* Yeah, i know... but easier said than done. If i could, i would (& i have tried these tactics, among others). I'm sorry, but i truly feel i NEED to leave this place in order to go on this 'Quest' to find... SOMEthing.. i don't even know what!

Of course when it comes to Yellowknife though, i will only be able to bring what i can carry in my large backpack and a small carry-on! So only clothing (& not nearly as much as i need, considering the temp will be going from hot summer to -30C!), my weight scale (to help control my seriously flailing metabolism), some watercolour/gouache for art supplies, and maybe a few miniature samples of my collections so i can feel at home. But that's about it! If i explore art, it will have to be with gouache unfortunately (NOT my forté... i like acrylics, but they take up WAY too much room, never mind the extreme weight!). And maybe the Shambhala Meditation group is still active up there, and i can join that. That and walk! Get back into backpacking shape! We'll have to see if i actually DO these things.

Now.. about this house that i feel mired in. Before it was built, i actually did do some painting in the old cottage! I finally got the extra little bedroom wall & ceiling ripped out so that it could be added to my bedroom. It became my studio and i did paint. That was about the last time i did any real painting! Once the house was being built, i was looking forward to the studio there. I thought it would be just 6 months to a year, but it's now 5 years + and counting, and the house is still not done. I've been living in it for the last year or so (once the cottage was torn down), but without an occupancy permit. The reasons for that are too infuriatingly frustrating to mention here (not to mention lengthy), but the simple version is i just can't get tradesmen to come in to finish it. Once i've got that permit, i'm good! I DO realize that things will always need to be be done, but at that point, i won't care, because the house would finally legally be mine to live in! Know what i mean?

This perpetually unfinished status, plus the fact that the house if full of stuff that needs to be de-junked, just... freezes me. I look at what needs to be done and i get so overwhelmed, that i don't do anything! It could be the whole 'feng shui' thing too. SO much clutter & SO much unfinished... juju.. i don't know... the energy is STUCK. Hmmm. Is that 'molasses-thick air' i mentioned earlier, the heavy 'stuck' energy i'm feeling?  Hey... It could simply be a matter of feng shui and cleaning this place up!

I don't know WHAT it is, but I'M stuck! Hence the move... hence the 'experiment'. Of course there is my intense need of adventure too! Does any this make any sense?

(above is the original template that was used for this post...
Note the meandering, free bird...)